The Coworkers

Right now I am at work, and I just wanted to make something perfectly clear up front: If I ever talk about anyone here, I have changed their names. I won’t even give my office a name. I will only call it ‘My Work’ or ‘My Job’ or simply ‘Work’, because I do not want to hurt anyone or anything or violate someone’s privacy. But frankly, I spend 8 hours a day here, so I need something to do in order to look busy. And the crap that happens is really quite entertaining. Well, actually, not really. The people are the entertaining ones.

Have you ever met someone that is super nice? Like, honestly, they are sweet and funny and like-able. But then, when you give them any amount of responsibility or task…. they lose their frickin’ minds.

Let me just give you a short run down of the people I work with:

Chris- He is my boss. As in, technically I really only work for him and do things for other people when he doesn’t have a use for me. He is really nice and a little scatter brained. (Picture a puppy. That’s him.) He is also in charge of everyone (except Bob & Albert), but he is so nice that no one really takes him seriously. Right now he is obsessed with cleaning up the databases, which is really a Herculean, impossible task.

Bob- He is the CEO of My Work. He travels to countries like Haiti yearly on mission trips, and funds churches, schools, hospitals, etc. He is old. Like, grandfatherly old. He has a really nice wife, and they adopted a few boys. Everyone respects him, and he is nice to everyone. For some reason he acts really formal and avoids me at all costs, though. Perhaps my youth intimidates him? He, along with Albert, are sort’ve stuck in the past. I don’t think they realize the modern-day we live in, and sometimes My Work suffers for it.

Albert-  The president of My Work. He and Bob started My Work way way way back in the day, and they have been friends for a long time. He is very nice and likes to talk, but he has this…terrifying presence. Like, if you staple his papers together the wrong way he could fire you without a sideways glance. He lives in Iowa and works remotely. His daughter, Jane, also works here. Which is sometimes not a good thing.

Mike A & Mike B (AKA The Mikes)- They both work on the technical side of things, making sure the software works. Like developers. Everyone simply calls them The Mikes, and they dwell in the back corner of the office by the kitchen with Jimmy. They are usually always back there unless one of us has a question, and then they venture out. Mike A is good friends with Chris. They are both super nice but can be really intimidating because they are terrifyingly smart.

Jimmy- I am not sure how I feel about him. He is nice…but almost too nice. And random, but not in that cool way. Just… he’s weird. He talks wayyy too much about his personal life, like how his daughter is a cheerleader and he shows pictures of her all the time. And he just says really random, personal information. Like, it’s great your son’s wife’s sister got a new house in New Mexico, but….really?

Jane- Albert’s daughter, and in charge of promoting My Work. She, like everyone else, is nice, but also tends to be an absolute b****. Since she is Albert’s daughter, no one is brave enough to call her out when she does something wrong, and she has definitely let it go to her head. Most of the time she is fine, but sometimes she and Chris go head to head and you can’t help but want to strangle her. She lives in Iowa and remotes in. Thank goodness.

Jenny- She works with Jane, but unlike Jane she is always nice and always courteous. She handles the contract side of things. SHe talks a lot and she is really loud, but she could sell a book to a blind man. Her laugh is really loud and can be heard from all corners of the office even if her door is closed. She and Kate go on walks around the parking lot everyday, and she is good friends with Cindy via church. She is kinda like the ‘mom’ of the office.

Terri- A power player. She and Chris are in this constant battle for control, and since Chris is so submissive she almost always gets her way. She is in charge or Kate, Cindy and Emily, and therefore has a lot of power to toy with. Her mood changes daily, and when you see her coming you want to hide. Super nice to customers, but I think she has always been barely tolerant of me. I guess that can happen when you steal her daughter’s job.

Cindy-  If Jenny is the mother of My Job, then Cindy is the Aunt. Friendly, cheerful, hard-working, and sassy. She takes trips to the beach a lot. She tends to push jobs she doesn’t want to do (but should do) onto me, and does tend to get frustrated easily. In Terri’s Line Of Command, she is probably second in power (in a close tie with Kate). Luckily, she is much more rational that Terri, and knows a lot of really important things like how to fix the printer and how to get a customer to do something.

Kate- Probably my favorite around the office. She always has something nice to say whenever you pass her door, and keeps a little bowls of candies that everyone raids daily. She and Mike B are good friends, and she and Cindy like to talk about cooking and the ‘good ol days’. She is easy to talk to and goes out of her way to make sure you are welcome, and the go-to person when I have a question.

Emily- The newest worker. And the tiniest. Only coming up to my shoulder, her personality makes up for it. Loud, sassy, and not afraid to tell you whats up and throw in a curse word for spice. She used to work in child care and lived in the Middle East for a few years. She works very hard and almost always has her door closed to block out the office chatter. However, she is not afraid to gossip with you if you get her alone. I think if anyone could possibly dethrone Terri, it would be her.

Delly- The person who does the least amount of work and gets the most credit. She leaves all the time. The last time she actually stayed for a full 8 hours was months ago. She lives far away and she likes to be outside, so she uses that as an excuse along with funerals, appointments, vacations, and sickness. I understand if you need to leave every once in a while, but everyday…? She has had weeks where she hasn’t shown up and told no one. For some reason everyone is okay with this. She routinely forgets my existence, and she when does she calls me ‘Babygirl’ or ‘Bambi Eyes’ and then tells me how I did something wrong, and then denies everything when it comes out that I actually did it right. She is the main reason for Justin not getting a permanent job here.. She is in charge of Jack and Carol, and the three of them are like their own little gang.

Jack- He is the office peacock. Almost always dressed in bright, glowing colors. He has a very expensive truck and a very expensive Beemer, and a bike that probably cost more than a heart transplant. He wheels the thing around the office all the time. He is Delly’s b****. Super friendly. Smart. But a total wuss.

Carol- She got hired right before Emily, and is another reason why Justin didn’t get a job. She is the office cheerleader. Loud and blonde and nauseously peppy. Very smart and very hard-working, but she has also fallen under Delly’s spell and is therefore a subject of speculation. If Jack and Carol could get out of Delly’s fist, they could actually be valuable assets. However, their little group is a constant source of mystery and worry (especially for me).

David- He is a contract worker like Justin used to be. He and Justin both worked for Eric. But since their old jobs fell through, David has been stuck here and Justin has been jobless. David is very cool and sort’ve a macho, red-neck kind of guy. He, like Justin and I, sees My Work as it really is: A time-bomb being held together by strings. He is working closely with Chris to fix the mess, but we both know it’s futile.

Alice- She is in charge of money, but somehow I always end up doing her work for her. She is always talking, and likes to spend her time wandering about the office and talking to everything that breathes. She and Cindy have daily powwow sessions in Cindy’s office. Alice also has a son who she brings to work all the time. He runs rampant. As a child-phobe, I do not appreciate this at all. She is also in control of supplies and general office necessities, such as ink cartridges and coffee and that sort of thing.

Evan- An old, creepy friend of Chris whose goal in life is to make my skin crawl. He is working with Alice to get the money situation under control. He only comes in for a couple of hours a day, but always manages to come up and annoy me to death at least once. He talks in a whisper about ridiculous things, and likes to walk uncomfortably close to me and make comments about how I look. Basically, a gross old man. Justin sees him as harmless, but I am not so sure.

Richard- Somehow even more annoying that Evan. Currently he is working with Chris and Mike A on privacy and security guidelines for My Work. He is a constant irritation for Alice and I, because he sends us on wild goose chases for stupid things. (Ex: Colored staples, copies of copies of every single piece of paper he owns, light bulbs, desks… the list goes on and on.) He is nice, but so aggravating that I cringe whenever I see him walk in. Between he and Evan, I honestly don’t know who is more irritating.

And that’s it. Twenty people that I spend an average of 40 hours a week with. They sometimes honestly make me want to pull my hair out. In the future I will probably refer to them, and now you can suffer through it with me. Welcome to the circus.

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